Casket for Sale, Only Used Once Read online

  I laughed at him.

  I suddenly realized that I didn't hurt anymore. And that there were now several tiny little men swimming in Goblin's blood. One of them was doing the breaststroke.

  "You know," I told Mr. Burke, "it takes a lot of work to kill a man with paper cuts, but I'm patient."

  Mr. Burke kept smiling. All of his face was gone except for his teeth.

  "You know what?" I asked.

  "What?"

  "That's what." I frowned. "That wasn't funny. You know what?"

  "What?"

  "That's what." I laughed hysterically, and then I slammed myself against the table a couple of times to crush the millions of tiny little men swimming in Goblin's blood.

  "Tell me, Andrew, are you afraid of demons?"

  "Dee-mons! Dee-mons!"

  "There are demons everywhere, you know."

  "Spooky scary demons!"

  "There's one in this room."

  "Creepy crawly demons!"

  "You hate demons."

  I nodded. "Demons suck."

  "Indeed they do."

  "Yanking off a hangnail with a staple remover is overrated."

  "Indeed it is."

  "Doesn't it hurt just having teeth for a face? What if you have to blow your nose? I don't understand how it works, I'm sorry."

  "Look over there," said Mr. Burke, pointing. "Do you see the demon?"

  I did indeed. It was a female demon, wearing a white lab coat spattered with blood. She was one serious babe, even though she had red scaly flesh and eyes that literally smoldered.

  It was clearly a succubus. Or was it an incubus? I always got those two confused. It was a continual source of shame and embarrassment.

  The demon hissed at me. I hissed back.

  "You want to kill it, don't you?"

  "Nah."

  "Andrew, it's a demon. Aren't you the mighty demon slayer?"

  "What kind of dumb shit are you talking about? Demon slayer, hemon slayer. I need to slay more hemons. What's a hemon? I'm hungry."

  "The demon is looking into your soul, Andrew."

  My God. He was right. The demon was staring right into my soul. It was learning my secrets, laughing at them, mocking them, sharing them with its demon brethren. The demon's evil was exploring inside me, wriggling around like worms, devouring its way into my heart.

  "Make it stop," I begged.

  "Only you can make it stop."

  "It's scaring me!"

  "Scare it back."

  "It's going to eat me! Don't let it eat me!"

  "You're being tested, Andrew. You can pass the test. You must learn to hate the demon, not fear it."

  "I hate how scary it is!"

  "Hate. Hate is the key. Control your hate. Control your rage. Don't let the demons win. Can you do that? Can you truly, deeply hate?"

  "I ... I think so."

  "That's not good enough."

  "Yes, I can."

  "There are demons in the woods, Andrew. They're lost demons trying to find their way back home. Three of them. A mother and two children. Can you hate them?"

  "Yes."

  "Can you kill them?"

  "Yes."

  "I'm going to give you a knife. Can you slam it into the bodies of those foul creatures, no matter how much they scream, no matter what tricks they try to play on you? Because demons will lie to you. They'll change form. They'll pretend they love you. Can you kill them?"

  "Yes."

  "Then I shall release you."

  I felt the hatred flowing through me, just as the pain had flowed through me before. The hatred felt good.

  Really, really good.

  * * * *

  I RODE IN A chariot of gold, pulled by two fire-breathing steeds that were the most beautiful animals I'd ever seen in my life, even when they started ripping out chunks of each other's flesh.

  The world was cast into darkness, but the sun burned my eyes.

  I smiled at my hatred. At my rage. That's what kept me strong. Demons were weak. Their compassion was their weakness, and I'd exploit that until their severed heads rested at my feet. Granted, the knife I'd been given really didn't seem sufficient for a demonic decapitation, but I'd worry about that when the time came.

  The chariot stopped.

  "You must go now," Mr. Burke said. "You must fulfill your destiny."

  "Will I ever see you again?"

  "Yes. I will give you this beacon." Mr. Burke extended a sparkling silver object toward me. He affixed it to the metal plate burned into my chest, my mark of honor. "This will let us find you, and bring you home."

  "Will you watch over me?"

  "I won't, but your guardian angel will. I'll watch the recording after you're back safe and sound."

  "Thank you." I hugged him as if he were my father.

  Then I began my journey.

  I wandered for days. No, not days, but months. Years. For years I wandered the dirt path, fearful of the horrific noises emanating from the forest on each side but not letting my fear show.

  I cradled my precious knife in my hands.

  I realized I hadn't eaten or slept in years. That was kind of weird.

  To help the months pass, I decided to make up a song. The Demon Song.

  I am the demon hunter named Andrew.

  Whose exploits will...

  What rhymed with "Andrew?"

  Andrew, Bandrew, Candrew, Dandrew...

  I am the demon hunter named Mayhem.

  Whose exploits will...

  Damn.

  Demons, demons, time to die.

  For I will poke you in the eye.

  And then you shall begin to cry.

  As I sing your fatal lullaby.

  I grinned at my own cleverness.

  "Daddy!"

  I spun around. A horrid creature emerged from the woods, its scaly skin as red as Red Vines brand original licorice twists.

  The little girl demon.

  The creature was so repulsive, so gag-inducing, I wanted to fling my knife at it and end its vile life right now.

  But I wasn't that good at knife throwing, and I didn't want to lose my weapon. Anyway, demons were tricky creatures, and so I had to be careful.

  It was running toward me.

  "Daddy! Daddy!" it repeated.

  This demon looked somehow familiar...

  I hated it.

  I wanted to rip its head off of its tiny shoulders.

  It was moving quickly.

  Don't fear it, don't fear it, don't fear it.

  No demon could harm me.

  Nothing could harm me.

  A tree looked like it was eating somebody, but it may also have been bathing him.

  I held my ground as the demon rushed at me.

  Yes, I knew this one! Its name was Theresa!

  Dumb name for a demon.

  The demon stopped a few feet away from me. It bit its scaly lip as if unsure about something.

  "Daddy? Are you okay?"

  I'd be a lot better if this piece of crap demon stopped calling me "Daddy." I wasn't the parent of any hellspawn.

  The demon backed away.

  Did it really believe I was its father?

  It couldn't possibly. But its tone of voice was so convincing.

  Demons were tricky creatures.

  I could be tricky, too.

  "I'm fine," I said, in my most soothing voice as I hid the knife behind my back. "Come here. Come to Daddy."

  The demon walked toward me.

  Slowly, untrusting.

  I had to bite my own lip to keep from laughing.

  "Daddy, what's wrong?"

  "Nothing's wrong, Theresa."

  "Did they hurt you?"

  I nodded. "They hurt Daddy bad. He needs you to comfort him. That will make everything okay."

  The demon walked to me and wrapped its filthy arms around me. I wanted to gag.

  I pushed the monster away.

  "Daddy...?"

  I slammed the knife into it,
laughing as its warm blood spattered against my bare chest.

  Chapter Twenty

  Helen's Side

  WHERE COULD THEY be?

  "Theresa!" I screamed so loud my throat burned. "Kyle! Where are you?"

  I had horrible visions of my children caught in wolf traps, impaled by spears, dangling from meat hooks, and worse. Much worse. Grisly supernatural deaths at the hands of ghouls and ogres. Pretty much any tragic fate that could befall my children, possible or impossible, flashed across my mind as I wandered through the woods.

  I couldn't lose them now. I just couldn't. I cried out for them once more, not caring if I was alerting more killers to my presence.

  Then I remembered the limousine.

  I limped toward the road, drenched with sweat, each step feeling like a great white shark chomped on my ankle. I fell twice, but I doubted I could make even this much progress if I'd broken anything, so as far as I could tell my ankle was seriously messed up but still in one piece.

  I fell again when I reached the dirt road. I knew I had to be a sorry sight. A pregnant woman who'd been beaten half to death. It would be a miracle if I hadn't lost the--

  NO NO NO NO NO!!!

  The baby was fine! I was absolutely positive that the baby was one hundred percent completely perfectly fine.

  I wept for it anyway.

  I got up and staggered toward the limousine. I opened the driver's side door and Joe happily jumped up onto the seat. He wasn't exactly my favorite canine at the moment, but it's hard to stay mad at a pug.

  Kyle sat in the front seat.

  "Kyle! Oh, thank heavens, sweetie!" I climbed into the car and reached for him, giving him a smothering hug that he returned. "I was so worried about you!"

  My son buried his face against my belly and cried.

  My relief was short-lived. "Where's Theresa?"

  "I don't know," said Kyle, his face still pressed against my belly.

  I pushed him back and looked him in the eye. "Did you see her?"

  "She brought me here. She told me to stay in the car. She said she was going to help you."

  "Are you sure? I didn't see her out there. She didn't answer me. What exactly did she say?"

  "I don't know."

  "Kyle, think. Where's your sister? Did she say she was going to help, or to get help?"

  "I don't know!"

  I closed my eyes, took deep breaths to calm myself, and then opened them. "It's okay, we'll find her. Stay in the car and see if you can find a phone or walkie-talkie or anything like that. If you find a gun, let me know, but don't touch it."

  Kyle nodded.

  "I'll be back in five minutes. Promise me you'll stay in the car."

  "I will."

  "Good." I hugged him again and kissed his cheek.

  A plastic bottle of water with pink lipstick smears on the rim rested in the cup holder. I grabbed it, gulped down half of the contents, and gave the bottle to Kyle. "I love you, honey."

  "I love you, too."

  "It'll all be fine."

  I returned to the woods and called out Theresa's name again and again. Where could she have gone? I couldn't imagine she would have taken the time to get her brother to safety but then run off in a blind panic.

  I searched for the full five minutes, my foot hurting worse with each passing second, and finally returned to the limousine. Kyle handed me the bottled water as I got in on the driver's side and I drank the rest of it.

  "Did you find anything?" I asked him.

  Kyle had a red purse pressed between his knees and he'd poured the contents out onto his lap. "A phone. But it didn't work."

  I took the cell phone from him and dialed. No signal.

  "Did you find anything else?"

  "These," he said, holding up a strip of condoms.

  "Let's put those back in the purse," I said, taking them from him. "And these, too." I replaced the tampons. Joe was on the floor, chewing on a tampon like a bone, so I took it from him and put it in the purse as well.

  "Can I have a piece of gum?" Kyle asked.

  "Yes, you can have the whole pack."

  Kyle looked at the gum sadly. "I'll give Theresa the rest when we find her."

  I shut the limo door. The keys were still in the ignition, so I started the motor. "I need you to watch out the window and look for your sister."

  "Which way do you think she went?"

  "I don't know, honey. But we're going to go really fast, so watch as closely as you can."

  I applied the gas and we sped down the road. I slowed down when we went around corners, just in case my daughter was wandering in the middle of the road, but apart from that I floored the gas.

  "Try to dial 911 again," I said, handing Kyle the phone. "Is there a signal?"

  He shook his head. "No."

  "Keep trying."

  We raced along the dirt road.

  "I'd like a piece of that gum," I told Kyle. He unwrapped a piece and I popped the strawberry square into my mouth. I'd never been much of a gum or candy person, but this tasted absolutely delicious. I even blew a bubble.

  Two minutes later, we still couldn't get a cell phone signal.

  "Do you think Theresa walked this far?" Kyle asked.

  "No, I'm sure she didn't, but I want to find a phone signal so we can call for help. I think we're getting close to the freeway, and we'll definitely be able to get a signal there."

  Kyle nodded and pressed redial again.

  "It's working!" he shouted. "It's working!"

  I grabbed the phone from him and pressed it tightly to my ear. A ring on the other end. Then a cheerful female voice: "911 emergency."

  I applied the brakes, harder than I'd intended. "Oh, thank God, my name is Helen Mayhem and there's been an accident and my family has been badly injured!"

  "Ma'am, please give me your location."

  I gave her the directions as best I could. I didn't want to tell her about the killers, for fear that she wouldn't believe my story, but at the same time I couldn't risk letting the police come in unprepared.

  I told her everything.

  She seemed to believe me.

  I turned the limousine around (not an easy process) and then sped back the way we came. I lost the signal moments after that. With renewed energy, I drove off to find my family.

  * * * *

  I FOUND THEM.

  I was so astonished at my good fortune that I nearly squealed with delight, and I'm not a squealer. Standing there, right in the middle of the road up ahead, were Andrew and Theresa, locked in a tight hug. I could see he held a knife. Hopefully a bloody knife that had slit the throats of the bastards who attacked us.

  "It's them!" I squealed, proving that I am a squealer in the right circumstances. "It's Theresa and Daddy!"

  They were alive!

  They were safe!

  I felt a sudden pang of concern as I realized Roger and Samantha were nowhere around, but I was overjoyed to see my husband and my daughter were both alive.

  Then Andrew pushed Theresa away and stuck the knife in her chest.

  I immediately knew I hadn't really seen that. Maybe I was so overwhelmed with elation I wasn't seeing straight, or maybe this whole experience had finally driven me to insanity, but I knew for certain I hadn't just seen Andrew stab our daughter.

  And I didn't see him laugh as she fell to the ground.

  And I didn't see him crouch down over her body and raise the bloody blade.

  "Mommy!" Kyle's shriek snapped me out of my state of disbelief and made me realize what I was seeing was completely real.

  Better to have gone insane.

  I floored the gas pedal and the limousine rocketed forward. Andrew looked up at the car, still holding the knife in the air. I slammed on the brakes right before I reached him.

  "Stay in the car!" I wailed at Kyle as I threw open the door and got out. "Andrew! Stop!"

  He looked at me, confused. His eyes were wild and unfocused.

  Theresa was blee
ding badly, gasping for breath, and clawing at her wound.

  "You don't scare me," Andrew said.

  I walked toward him, slowly, carefully, trying not to set him off. If he chose to plunge the knife into Theresa again, I wouldn't be able to stop him.

  "Andrew, please, look at me."

  He grinned. "I am looking at you! What, you got problems with those demon eyes of yours? Maybe you should pop 'em out and put in a new pair!" He gestured at Theresa with the knife. "Wanna try hers?"

  I spoke slowly, calmly. "Please, Andrew, you don't want to hurt your daughter."

  "I don't have a daughter. I'm a freeeeeeee demon slayer!" He let out a joyous whoop.

  What the hell had they done to him?

  "Mommy..." said Theresa, weakly, reaching her arm out toward me.

  "Please, let me take her," I said. "She'll bleed to death."

  Andrew ran his index finger across the stab wound and held it up, looking at it closely. "It looks like oil. You demons bleed black oil. That must be why you live in fire."

  "She's not a demon. She's your daughter."

  "She's not my daughter!" Andrew shouted. "She's a disgusting, rotting creature! And I'm not scared of you!"

  But he was. His fear was obvious. Was he really seeing demons?

  I stepped forward. "That's right, she is a demon. If you touch her, I'll destroy you."

  Andrew snorted. "I'm not scared."

  "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER OR I'LL DRAG YOU INTO THE PITS OF HELL!" I screamed.

  Andrew cried out in fear and scrambled away from her. I saw that he had something that looked like a camera attached to his chest.

  I strode forward and raised my arms, hoping to become more intimidating to him. "YOU'LL BURN WITH US!"

  "No!" Andrew got to his feet. "I'll kill all of you!"

  He rushed at me with the knife.

  I moved out of the way, but I twisted my foot and fell to the ground.

  Theresa's breathing was rapid and frantic.

  I got up as quickly as I could, just in time for Andrew to thrust the knife at me. It tore across my side, cutting deep.

  I punched Andrew in the face.

  He put his hand to his cheek and stumbled away. "Oh, shit, it burns!"

  I let out my best approximation of a demonic roar. Under any other circumstances I would have felt completely ridiculous, but now, in the moment, I felt like I truly was a demon.

  "I'll eat you alive!"

  Andrew lunged at me with the knife but missed.

  I heard the car door open behind me.