Unnatural Tales Of The Jackalope Read online

  It made a horrible twisty Tim Burton-esque shadow so I flipped on the overhead light.

  "You..." I said with gritted teeth.

  Was it that thing making all that noise?

  I glanced around the small living room to see if there was a cat or rat or something else darting from my presence but nothing moved or had been moved. I stared again. I picked the huge heavy thing up and examined it for a music box contraption of some sort. It was the ugliest thing I'd ever seen but thought that one of my nephews, Billy, would get a kick out of it for his impending birthday.

  But right now, that thing just creeped me out the longer it hung out in my apartment.

  I know a bit about Jackalopes. I know they were a taxidermy joke starting sometime in the early 30's somewhere down in the southern states so when I stumbled across one in northern Ontario at a garage sale, I thought it would be a hoot. A gag gift. A laugh a minute.

  But the last laugh was on me.

  Sure, the thing was ugly, hideous, ridiculous. It stood almost two feet tall, three if you count the crazy deer antlers sewn into its big bunny head. In fact, in the shadow of the darkness, it looked like a demon troll or a renegade reindeer.

  I laid him down on the couch and turned off the light. I decided to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. I guzzled down half the bottle before I even shut the fridge door. Pressing the bottle against my forehead felt refreshingly cool in that tropical jungle I called home.

  Jack a lope

  Big tall bunny with antlers sewn on top.

  Hilarious.

  Until you're staring at one in the dim shadows of your living room believing that he's not exactly hanging out where you left him.

  Jackalope lay on the floor, his smooth ebony eyes staring unblinkingly at me. I thought he winked at me but I realized it was just a shimmer of moonlight, a slight lilt of the sheers on that hot windless night. The heat, the creepiness of the doll; my mind was playing tricks on me.

  I returned him to his rightful spot on the couch and turned him so that he could see out the window.

  The damn thing was heavy and maybe that's how he had fallen over. Though you'd think something that big would make a thumping sound landing on the floor. And wouldn't those antlers clatter or scratch on the wood? I was only about four feet away with my nose in the fridge. Wouldn′t I hear a twenty pound doll fall onto the floor?

  I righted him up checking him securely.

  "Now you watch the pigeons when the sun comes up," I suggested.

  I double checked that the TV and radio were off. I looked back at Jack again as he stood regally staring through the curtains at the city below. I returned to bed, a cold sweat causing me to shiver. My nerves were shot. I was beginning to fear that damn doll but it was better that it was out there then in the room with me. I hoped that there would be no more noises that night but I still tossed and turned, bracing myself for that eerie song that never came.

  After a restless night, it was finally morning. I could finally justify getting up and starting my day.

  When I got up, I went to see him first and in the light of day, Jackalope wasn't that scary. He still kept sentinel where I had left him, his expression grim, not a peep from his little sewn shut mouth. I even talked to him while I made my coffee and asked him if he'd like some veggies.

  He didn't answer me of course, and I poked around to see what I even had in my fridge that would resemble a vegetable. I wasn't the best shopper, cook, or healthy eater, but I did keep a stash of veggies in the freezer for the odd day I might actually eat them. I opened a bag of mixed veggies and another one of baby carrots and poured them into a bowl. For a second I debated microwaving them then got a grip. Hello, you're going to microwave food for roadkill?

  I carried the large silver mixing bowl into the living room. I turned Jackalope around so that he could see my offering.

  "Look. Food if you get hungry later." I felt foolish pushing the bowl slightly closer to him.

  Time was marching and I had to get to work. I grabbed a muffin and filled my portable coffee cup with the rest of my coffee and headed for the subway.

  I could barely stay awake at work, images of jackalopes running through my head. I even Googled them and read all about their legends. It made me laugh and reminded me about why I bought the damn thing to begin with. It was a joke. It was funny. I was just tired because I scared myself. Some city girl I was!

  That night, I watched TV and positioned Jack so he could watch too. Maybe watching a bunch of sitcoms would be relaxing and I could sleep. As I sat there, I noticed the bowl of veggies I had put out for Jack that morning was empty. I looked over at him. He said nothing but continued to watch TV.

  "So, I guess you liked the food?" I asked. I don't know if I expected him to answer or not. I likely would have had a heart attack on the spot if he did.

  "You'll like my nephew. He's going to be eleven. His name's Billy, if you care."

  I laughed at myself, why do I care what Jackie thinks? I looked back at Betty White and Valerie Bertinelli trying to explain their way out of some compromising position and decided that tonight, I'm going to take some melatonin and see if that doesn't knock me out enough so that I don' t have to deal with jackalope shenanigans.

  "Night, Jack," I told him as I clicked off the TV and turned him so that he could look out the window. I turned off the lights and took a deep breath. The melatonin tablets were dissolving quickly under my tongue and then I faced the dilemma of when it is exactly that I brush my teeth in such a situation. I figured that when I inevitably got up to go the bathroom, I'd brush my teeth.

  The matter solved in my head, I snuggled into bed and prayed for a deep dreamless night.

  But it wasn't.

  I fell into sleep, a darkness within a darkness within a darkness. I fell and fell, Alice down the rabbit hole puns weren't lost on me as I tumbled and spun until I landed firmly but not horrifically on the ground. I dozed for a moment until I smelled something most foul and gazed up at a ring of heads staring down at me. But they weren't heads, they were full on jackalopes, their noses twitching, their antlers bobbing as they nodded at each other. As I sat up, I saw they were all very much male and ready for some kind of action with someone, but it sure wasn't going to be with me.

  I sprang up, and jumped, or loped, or hopped, something, my legs were long and backwards and I realized that all of me was strange. My body wasn't human at all anymore. No fingers. No long arms with hands. No shoes. I flashed in and out of the dream, running through brush and getting tripped up when my antlers got caught.

  Jackalopes circled me and this time didn't stare. Their sharp teeth, their clawing nails, their evasive organs tore at me and I woke up screaming. I flailed and clawed my way from my sheets, sweat pouring down me like I'd run a marathon. My beating heart filled my ears and only when I finally untangled my legs from my damp sweat soaked sheets did I hear that eerie singing again.

  I marched out into the living room and looked for Jack's shadow on the couch. But he wasn't there. I clicked on the light but there was nothing. No sign of him. I shivered as I marched back into the bedroom and turned on the light. I was terrified that I would see him there but breathed a sigh of relief as I shook out the bedclothes and flung around the laundry pile. No Jack.

  Again I returned to the living room, the singing growing louder and when I entered the room this time, it stopped. Jack was sitting on the couch, staring at me as I entered the room.

  "What the...?" I stared down at my torn nightgown and the muddy streaks and scratches on my arms and legs. My breasts were heavy like they get before my period yet I was weirdly horny. I stared back at Jack. I didn't know if I was going mad or if I should run screaming into the night that I was in possession of a haunted Jackalope doll.

  "Jack, please, I have to work in the morning..." I whispered not daring to move towards him in case he lurched at me as the creatures had in the dream.

  "Let me get you something to eat. I'm sure you m
ust be hungry after your adventures..." I hurried into the kitchen and tore open the rest of the bags of frozen vegetables. It was a heaping high potfull and I placed them on the coffee table, not taking my eye off that thing for one minute.

  I returned to my room and locked the door. No damn jacks were coming to get me now. The pull of the melatonin lured me back into sleep and there were no dreams at all.

  When I woke, he was standing over me. I screamed and jumped away so fast it was almost supernatural. Jack was in my bedroom, the door was hanging open. My body ached and drops of blood oozed from scratches on my body. My jaw throbbed and there was a gritty musky taste in my mouth. My stomach rumbled and nausea swelled through me. I nearly didn't make it to the toilet as I threw up.

  Once my retching subsided, I looked over to the bathroom doorway, expecting to see that jackalope watching me. But it wasn't. In fact, I could see the tip of one of its antlers on the bed where it still lay after I flung it.

  I shut the bathroom door and locked it. Not that that had stopped anything from happening before. I kept the shower curtain open as I washed. Marveling at the length and depth of the claw marks across my torso, breasts, arms and legs.

  As I lathered up my long dark hair, clumps of mud fell out along with clumps of knotted hair. Even though the heat of the water was soothing, my body ached as if I'd been flung from a cliff. All I cared about was getting to work on time. Well, that's not true. All I really cared about was getting the hell out of that apartment.

  Refreshed from the shower, I decided I would get dressed as quickly as possible and treat myself to a fancy ass coffee and a big carrot muffin in a café and worry about my make-up in the café's bathroom. I couldn't take another moment in this creepy apartment. Thank god Billy's birthday party was the next day and Jack would be gone from my life and hopefully the freaky dreams too. A boy wouldn't be as freaked out by that doll as I was. Boys like disgusting gross things like rabbits with antlers sewn on their heads.

  Jack watched me from where he lay in my bed. I didn't make eye contact and just went about my business.

  "I have to go in a bit early today, Jack. There's some business I have to attend to." Sure, explain yourself to a furry corpse. That makes sense.

  Of course Jack didn't answer. He probably hadn't done anything all along and I had brought him to bed myself, all hopped up on that vitamin stuff everyone always recommended. I bet even absinthe doesn't make you dream crazy shit like that melatonin.

  The air was thick with the humidity of an impending thunderstorm. The distant rolls of thunder majestically rumbled in chorus with the underfoot humming vibration of the subway trains. It was as if heaven and hell were both dissatisfied with me and were getting ready for a smack down. However, I'm not THAT crazy, not crazy enough to believe that the entire universe and beyond has it in for me. I descended into the subway tunnels, headed for the little café that served homemade muffins.

  The butter drizzled down my fingers as I devoured the last of my carrot-raisin-walnut muffin. My sugary cinnamon-laced latte had been a delectable companion but now was long consumed. A sense of saneness returned. I'd been way more overtired at other times in my life then in recent days but I had been under a lot of stress lately.

  Well, no, not really.

  No more stress than usual.

  Job. Single life. Wondering if I'll ever date again.

  In fact, in the dim light of a dreary day, I had actually slept quite well the night before, just had some bad dreams, was all. Everyone gets bad dreams once in a while.

  Perhaps.

  Maybe.

  At work, I swore I spied him out the corner of my eye every time I looked up from my cubicle. An antler skimming the top of my stall, unaware it's sticking up as it eavesdrops on me. Or I meet its gaze as it peers out at me from behind another person's cubicle wall. I was going to the elevator and I know it was him who hopped ahead of me and pressed "door close" before I could get there.

  Flickers and shadows out of the corner of my eye haunted me all day long. Or were they protein deposits flashing in my eyeballs as an eye doctor once told me when I went in complaining about "spots before my eyes." Well, you can't blame me. All those old Bugs Bunny cartoons described the number one symptom of insanity when Bugs would freak out his enemy with numerous gaslighting techniques and then act like a doctor..."Are you seeing spots before your eyes?"

  But it was me obsessing over a toy. A stupid toy, grotesque sure. But old, back when people did that kind of thing. So passing it along where it will be taken care of seems better than just letting it rot in a garbage mountain somewhere. But then again, I guess his buddies are all already roaming there in garbage fills, in the land of the Jackalopes. Where Jackalopes go to die. Maybe he wanted to go be with his friends.

  On my way home from work, I stopped in at a bakery party store and picked up special chocolate sprinkled cupcakes for Billy's birthday. I also bought him a card and a pack of sparkler candles. I stopped at one of the vegetable stands and loaded up on carrots, lettuce, peppers, and other veggies.

  While on the subway, I filled out the card and scrawled a few paragraphs about the legend of the Jackalope. The legend I had read about on the internet, not the weird dreams and moving jackalope scenarios I was experiencing.

  I even put a fifty dollar bill into the card and then sealed it. Might as well make the most of subway commuter time.

  By the time I arrived home, I was exhausted. I wondered if I should try the melatonin again or just try to crash.

  Jack was looking out the window. The veggies were all gone.

  I put the cupcakes into the fridge and tossed the card envelope onto the coffee table.

  "I see that you had a nice feast today," I said cautiously. "Look! I brought you more food. It won't even be frozen. Just let me sleep tonight so I can enjoy the party tomorrow."

  I turned Jack around so he could see the TV and put on The Big Bang Theory. I went into the kitchen to chop a million vegetables. I ate almost as many as I chopped. I hadn't realized how hungry I was. I guess I hadn't eaten since breakfast; I was trying so hard to just get through my day.

  I put the fresh bowl out, poured myself a glass of juice and went to bed. I left Jack to watch TV; I figured that I would be better that way. Maybe he'd leave me alone if he wasn't lonely and bored.

  I fell into a fitful sleep and woke to that singing shrieking sound. My mouth was full and as I pushed the pressure away from my face, I saw it had been filled with the swollen tit of a jackalope, bitter sweetly sour milk pouring into my mouth. I retched as another jackalope shoved his swollen nipple to my lips, other jackalopes clawing and scratching and even taking bites out of me. Despite the horrible taste of the jackalope milk, my senses were starting to take on a Pink-Floyd-Jimi-Hendrix-are-you-experienced -on -the -dark-side-of-the-moon type overtone. Though I'd never tried SM type practices I now was appreciating the pleasure-pain paradox. These creatures were mauling me, hurting me, yet also pleasuring me. And the longer it carried on, the more endorphins kicked in and the more I wanted it.

  It was only a dream. I knew it had to be the melatonin, a side effect from the other nights. I was freaked out by that doll and so gave myself night terrors coupled with that drug that isn't a drug that is worse than a drug.

  Once that doll is safely with Billy, my worries will be over.

  I kept waiting to wake up as jackalope after jackalope had his jack rabbit way with me. A strength grew within me. A lust for more power. A lust for more lust. A lust to finally shake off these jackalopes and get on with my day.

  When I woke, I heard voices behind me. I couldn't turn my neck to see. I couldn't move my arms or legs. I was perched in a crouching position.

  There was no blinking. There was no moving. My view was the gauze curtain fluttering in a wind that wasn't a wind, my fur making me overheat more than my naked pink flesh ever had.

  "What the hell is that?" my sister's voice rang in my ears. I was picked up and there was Billy's
face pressed up against mine.

  "Look there's a card with your name on it." Sandra handed the envelope to Billy. He opened it up and read the contents out loud. He read the legend of the jackalope in that slow faltering voice that little boys have when they are too excited to read anything at all and just want to check out the cool gift. At last, he was done and rough hands grabbed me.

  "So cool," Billy said and took me from his mother. "Wow it's heavy."

  "It's almost as big as you."

  "It's going to look great in my room," Billy said.

  "It's too bad Vera couldn't be here to see the look on your face," a man's voice said. "She'd been looking forward to giving it to you."

  "Well, thanks for letting us in, Jack. We'd been worried when she didn't come to the party and no one at work would actually come over here to see how she was."

  My world grew dark and I realized I was being wrapped in newspaper and then put into a large box. I could still hear the conversation as muffled as it was getting with all the noise of wrinkling paper and duct tape.

  "Yes, well, she didn't want you to worry about this sudden jury duty. Since it's a murder trial, she might be cloistered for weeks. Top secret. Even I'm not supposed to know but I figure I should tell you since you're so close and all."

  Was my sister actually giggling at that douche?

  "It's nice that she has a friend like you who can watch her place until she returns," Sandra said.

  The rest, I never heard. What does it matter? I know what's going on.

  Life goes on. Or death. Or limbo. Or whatever the hell kind of existence I'm existing in.

  When Billy's asleep, I go crazy with wanting to jump around and get laid but I'm nailed to this stupid board. I sing loudly, the notes that Jack used to sing ringing easily from my unfamiliar throat. My body throbs with unrelinquished tedium but there's nothing I can do. Sometimes, another Jackalope will slip into the open window and have his way with me. I can't do anything, I haven't mastered the magic of movement whenever I want just yet. So I wait.