Bang Up Page 8

  "Yeah, that's for the best," said Kirk.

  "I don't think Ralph is going to get over this anytime soon. If you can't flee the country, I'd at least invest in a bulletproof vest or a suit of armor."

  "Will do."

  "I've taken up enough of your time. Do you want the rest of the pizza?"

  "Sure."

  "Mind if I take a slice for the road?"

  "Of course not."

  The man opened the box and took a slice. Ham and pineapple. Ugh. Kirk was glad he'd known this wasn't Julie's pizza before he saw the toppings.

  The doorbell rang.

  "Uh-oh," said the man. "You think that's the wife?"

  "Yeah."

  "This could be awkward."

  16

  "Should I hide under the bed?" the man asked.

  "You can't fit under the bed."

  "Should I hide in the closet?"

  "Just stay in here. I'm going to send her away."

  Kirk hurried into the living room. He was perspiring heavily from his near-death experience and wondered if there were red marks on his neck. He took a moment to compose himself, then walked over and opened the door.

  Julie, looking positively radiant, smiled as she saw him.

  Then she stepped inside his apartment, threw her arms around him, and gave him a passionate kiss.

  Kirk tried to explain that this was a rather bad time, but it was difficult to get the message across with her lips grinding against his. She kicked the door closed.

  Maybe a quickie on the couch before I send her away—no!!!

  He pulled his lips away. "There's something I need to tell you before you get too worked up."

  Julie's eyes widened. "Who's that?" she asked.

  Kirk turned around, as if she might be referring to somebody besides the extremely large man who'd just tried to murder him. "Oh, him..."

  "Sorry," said the man. "When I heard the door close I thought she'd left."

  "Who are you?" Julie asked.

  "I'm Skip. I'm a friend."

  Julie looked at Kirk, then back at Skip, then back at Kirk. She smiled. "A friend, huh?"

  "Yes," said Kirk.

  "A close friend?"

  "Reasonably, I guess."

  "Is this a present for me, you kinky boy?"

  For one blissful moment of ignorance Kirk couldn't figure out what she was talking about. Then it hit him with the weight of a semi truck landing on him after it plummeted off a skyscraper. "What? Oh, no, no, no, no, no..."

  "No, no, no, no, no..." Skip added.

  "Then why was he waiting in the bedroom?"

  Kirk frantically tried to think of a good answer. His mind went blank. And he knew that if he didn't come up with a good answer in the next split-second, Julie would know that he was trying to think of an answer instead of telling the truth.

  "I was fixing something," said Skip.

  "Fixing what?"

  "The floor."

  "What's wrong with Kirk's floor?"

  "It's broken."

  "May I see?"

  Skip didn't answer.

  "You don't have to be nervous," Julie told Kirk. "I love this idea. Love it, love it, love it. They say that a guy's ultimate fantasy is to be with two women at once, but lots of women have the same kind of fantasy about two guys. It's perfectly normal."

  "That's not why he's here at all," said Kirk. "Total misunderstanding. You just happened to show up at a weird time."

  "So I'm supposed to believe that you, knowing I was on my way over to have wild sex with you, let Skip in here to fix the broken floor in the bedroom?"

  "It sounds crazy when you state it in a factual way like that," Kirk admitted, "but yes."

  "Yes," said Skip.

  "But like I said, Skip was just leaving."

  "If Skip's leaving, I'm leaving," said Julie.

  "Excuse me?" Kirk asked.

  "You can't tempt me with the possibility of being ravished by two handsome, muscular men and then snatch it away. I want both of you. It's both or nothing."

  "He's not all that handsome," said Kirk. "He's big and well-defined, yeah, but look at his face. You can't tell me that's more than a little above average."

  "I don't mind sharing," said Skip.

  "Anyway, like I said, this was a misunderstanding," Kirk told Julie. "An extreme misunderstanding. Super extreme mega humungous misunderstanding."

  "He said he didn't mind sharing," said Julie.

  "Well, of course he doesn't! If you see somebody eating cake you don't mind sharing their cake! It's the person with the cake who minds sharing it!"

  "I'm not sure if comparing me to cake is an insult or a compliment."

  "Compliment."

  "I would've taken it as a compliment," said Skip.

  "I may believe you when you say that you didn't set this up," said Julie. "Still, you're both here now, and Skip is willing to play, and these days I've decided to go after what I want. My new mantra is 'If there are two gorgeous men, why choose between them?'"

  "You'd already chosen me before you got here, though," said Kirk. "I mean, are you going to run off with him if I say no?"

  Julie shook her head. "Like I said, it's both of you or neither. All three of us win or all three of us lose."

  "You're kidding, right?" asked Kirk.

  "Is there anything about my tone or body language to make you think I'm kidding?"

  "This new plan doesn't really work for me."

  "Nobody is forcing you to do anything," said Julie. "I've set the parameters by which I'll have sex with you today, and it's completely up to you if you want to accept these terms."

  "This is blackmail."

  "It's not blackmail. It's conditions."

  "Shouldn't you get to know him first?" asked Kirk.

  "We can all go out for sushi if you want."

  "I...I...I don't think I can," said Kirk.

  "I'm not asking you to swordfight with your boners," Julie informed him. "All of the attention is supposed to be on me. You're two straight guys giving pleasure to a woman. Nothing wrong with that."

  "I don't want to see his junk."

  "You probably will indeed see his junk at some point during the proceedings," Julie admitted.

  "And I don't want that to happen."

  "What's the big deal? When you're watching porn, do you turn away in revulsion every time there's a penis on your laptop screen?"

  Kirk didn't answer.

  "Porn is filled with penises. You watch them voluntarily. Unless you watch exclusively girl/girl porn, you've been sitting there with your pants unzipped staring at a great big erect cock. Whether there's a woman's mouth covering some of it or not, it's still a great big erect cock. You may not be interested in paying to watch your friend Skip stroke himself, but I guarantee that if I went through your internet browser history I'd find some great big erect cocks on display and you thought nothing of looking at them. Shall we test this theory?"

  Kirk absolutely did not want Julie to see his Internet browser history. There were some things you saved for the eightieth or ninetieth date.

  "I see your point," said Kirk. "I don't like it but I see it."

  It bothered Kirk that she was pressuring him into this. But it was a relationship based on adultery and money exchanging hands, so it was difficult to make the case that she should respect his feelings. He supposed that he could just say that he wasn't comfortable having a threeway with a guy who'd tried to kill him a few minutes ago, but if he brought up the murder attempt, it was safe to assume that Julie would hurry out of the apartment without having sex with either of them.

  "So are you in?" Julie asked. "I'd give you more time to think about it, but every minute spent soul-searching is one less minute I'm being sandwiched."

  "May Skip and I discuss this in private?"

  "You may."

  Kirk gestured for Skip to join him in the bedroom. He had a small apartment, so it was either that or the bathroom.

  "Don't get
started without me," said Julie as the men went off together.

  Kirk shut the door then turned to Skip. "Get the fuck out of my apartment."

  "Why the hell would I want to do that?"

  "She didn't come over here to do you. She came over here to do me."

  "Looks like she changed her plans."

  "This isn't fair."

  "It's fair for me," Skip noted.

  "You tried to kill me. I could have you arrested. Do you know the minimum sentence for attempted murder?" asked Kirk, who didn't.

  Skip did not seem intimidated by the threat. "I know this is upsetting for you, but Julie is gorgeous and sexy. I'm not passing up this opportunity. I believe, deep in my heart, that you'll have fun."

  "Have you done this before?"

  Skip shook his head. "Started to one time. Didn't work out."

  "Why not?"

  "The Ferris wheel operator kicked us off."

  "I'll pay you to leave," said Kirk.

  "Five hundred bucks and I'm outta here."

  "How about fifty?"

  "How about you bite me?" Skip was silent for a moment. "Not literally and not in a sexy way. I guess what I meant to say was no."

  "You're basically cock-blocking me," said Kirk. "Isn't there a code of honor about this sort of thing? Guys don't do this to each other."

  "Sorry. I'm a feminist. Hoes before bros."

  Kirk wanted to punch something. Anything. He punched his pillow a few times, which didn't ease his frustration and kind of made it look like he was fluffing it up.

  "I've only known Julie for a couple of minutes," said Skip, "but I'm almost positive she wasn't bluffing when she said she'd walk out of here. So your choices are to have an awesome threesome with a beautiful woman and a dude who promises to respect your personal space, or to sit alone and pout. Why choose to pout?"

  Kirk sighed. If he were forced to choose between sharing Julie or losing her, he'd have to go with sharing. And he was running out of time to make the decision, so though he couldn't believe he was actually going to do something like this...yes, he'd do this.

  "Fine," said Kirk. "But we have to set some ground rules."

  17

  "I'm listening," said Skip.

  "Rule one," said Kirk. "We don't touch each other."

  "That's reasonable," said Skip. "Are there any exceptions?"

  "If you're already trying to find loopholes, I'm just going to tell Julie to leave."

  "What I meant was, if you're going at it hot and heavy and you lose your balance, is it okay for me to reach out and grab your shoulder to steady you, or should I let you fall off the bed?"

  "I'm not going to fall off the bed."

  "What about when we're switching sides?" asked Skip. "Is it okay to accidentally brush against each other, or do we have a firm rule where I cross on the left and you cross on the right?"

  "Are you messing with me?"

  "You're trying to set rules. I'm making sure I understand them."

  "We don't touch each other. Simple as that."

  Skip nodded. "I won't lovingly caress your testicles, then."

  "Do you even want to do this? Why would you say something like that?"

  "I'm sorry. I'm just amused by your homophobia."

  "I'm not homophobic."

  "You most certainly are," said Skip.

  "No, all I'm doing is making sure that certain lines aren't crossed."

  "The line into perceived gayness."

  "I've never had a threeway and I don't know you," said Kirk. "You might say, 'Here, Kirk, let me help you guide that thing in' and think you're just trying to be considerate. You're not guiding in a goddamn thing. It's better to establish that before we get started and avoid uncomfortable moments later."

  "I understand."

  "You can look at anything you want. You can stare at my gyrating ass with your jaw wide open for all I care. But no eye contact."

  "What if you just happen to glance over?" asked Skip. "Is it my responsibility to avert my eyes, or is that the job of the person who turned their head?"

  "Fleeting eye contact is fine," said Kirk. "Just no staring."

  "Unless it's at your gyrating ass."

  "Right."

  "Got it. Anything else?"

  "Don't get any semen on me."

  "I wasn't planning to."

  "I'm dead serious about this. Not one drop. If a single molecule of your seed hits any part of my body, even a toenail, I will beat the shit out of you. I don't care what I'm doing at the time. Not one speck. This is non-negotiable."

  "What I'll do is give you plenty of warning," said Skip. "I won't just make sounds, I will give verbal confirmation that my orgasm is imminent, and if you're in a location where you might get splashed you'll have time to move to a safe haven. Do me a favor and say 'Heard!' so I know that you heard and understand what's about to happen. I can get some pretty good distance, so I'm glad we're working out the details ahead of time."

  Kirk didn't appreciate Skip's smart-ass tone when he was only trying to ensure that this experience didn't end abruptly with violence. If everybody was too caught up in what they were doing, he could envision a scenario in which Skip's cum jettisoned over Julie's back and across Kirk's chest, and that was simply unacceptable.

  "Please take this seriously," said Kirk.

  "I am. And I'll thank you to keep your own ejaculate on your side of the bed as well."

  "That won't be a problem."

  "See that it isn't. Any other rules?"

  "No recording."

  "Understood."

  "That includes audio."

  Skip nodded. "I'm completely with you."

  "Did you bring condoms?"

  "Uh, no. Not to a planned murder. That's a whole different level of deviance."

  "I didn't think so."

  "You've got some, right?"

  "Yes. And you're reimbursing me for each one that you use."

  "That's a little petty."

  "It's extremely petty. But I'm not donating my rubbers to the cause of you getting laid. You're buying them from me. At a markup."

  "What if I just replace them the next time we do this?"

  "Fuck you."

  "I wish your attitude was better," said Skip. "We're about to do something awesome and I feel like you're being kind of pissy about the whole thing."

  "I'm still hoping you'll leave."

  "Not gonna happen."

  "Here's my final rule," said Kirk. "Respect her."

  "That goes without saying."

  "Not when two guys are double-teaming her, it doesn't. I don't want to hear any 'Take it, slut!' or 'Gag on it!' or anything like that."

  "That thought never crossed my mind," said Skip. "I'll be polite."

  "You don't have to be polite. Just respectful."

  "I'll be respectful."

  "All right. Every other rule will be common sense."

  "Should we have a secret signal if one of us is doing something that the other one doesn't like?" Skip asked. "Like maybe we tug our ear or something?"

  "No. If you're doing something I don't like I'll tell you to knock it the fuck off."

  "Fair enough."

  There was a knock at the door. "Are you two still talking this over or are you spooning?" Julie asked. "Not trying to rush you, but I can't be here all day."

  Kirk walked over and opened the door. "Sorry."

  "Did you work out the terms of our orgy?"

  "Does this count as an orgy?" Skip asked.

  "Doesn't it?"

  Skip shrugged. "I thought it went threesome, foursome, orgy."

  "I haven't researched it," Julie admitted, "but I believe anything over two participants is technically an orgy."

  "That doesn't sound right. If I told my friends that I was going to an orgy, they'd assume there were at least four other people there."

  "I don't know the official definition," said Kirk, "but I do know that people at an orgy shouldn't be pedantic."

&nbs
p; "Point taken," said Skip.

  "So did you two work out your homophobic concerns?" asked Julie.

  "It's not homophobic, for fuck's sake!" Kirk insisted. "You can be in favor of gay marriage and equal rights under the law and be appalled by conversion therapy and believe that we are born with our sexual preferences and still not want some guy's boner rubbing against your leg."

  "I was never going to rub my boner against his leg," Skip clarified.

  "Let's avoid the use of the word 'boner' from this point forward," said Julie. "I'd like us to be mature about this."

  "At least he didn't say 'ding-dong,'" Skip noted.

  Julie stared at him for a very long moment. "Maybe this was a mistake."

  "I think you're right," said Kirk.

  "No, no, I was just trying to be funny," said Skip. "Kirk is really nervous so I wanted to help ease the tension."

  "Silence may be a better tactic," Julie told him.

  Skip nodded and mimed zipping his lips.

  "I assume you two have discussed your own rules, so here are mine. Don't pull my hair. Don't even wrap it around your fingers and use it to gently guide my head. I understand that some women like that, but I'm not one of them. You can gently run your hands through my hair in a loving manner, just don't pull it. Is everybody okay with that?"

  "Yes," said Kirk.

  "Know that I can withdraw consent at any time. No matter what's happening, no matter how tangled up our bodies become, I have the right to end it, no questions asked. You will accept this with zero whining."

  "Of course."

  "And no double penetration this time."

  "I don't want double penetration any time," said Kirk.

  "We're only talking about this time. Anal on its own probably isn't going to happen either, so don't get attached to the idea. In fact, I'm going to officially take it off the table so that there aren't any hurt feelings later. Beyond that, don't leave bruises or tooth marks, respect that I'm not as limber as I used to be, don't use the c-word in any context, and let's have some fun!"

  18

  Julie had been bluffing, of course.